


Thwarted Therapy

by vlaplomb



Category: Purple Hyacinth - Ephemerys & Sophism (Webcomic)
Genre: Crack, I glazed over it, It Goes Horribly Wrong, Kieran saves the day, Lauren goes to therapy, Lauren saves the day, This is the moment we've been waiting for, What Did You Expect, crack theory, not legitimate, or ruins it, ph summary ig, please don't call the APD on me, that one paragraph though
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-08
Updated: 2020-08-08
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:59:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,500
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25791727
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vlaplomb/pseuds/vlaplomb
Summary: Finally, Lauren goes to therapy.Of course, it goes terribly wrong.
Comments: 8
Kudos: 49





	Thwarted Therapy

"So what brings you here, Ms. Sinclair?"

Lauren inhaled deeply, catching a whiff of the sterile air that she had been expecting from the office amidst the cluttered scents of sundry candles. Swinging her legs over the side of the sofa, her feet just barely grazed the carpet. A vase of perky daisy blooms sat on the end table, providing her with the slightest bit of comfort. This was not what she had expected at all.

"That's the thing - I don't know, Doc."

He chuckled, twiddling a pen between his fingers. The light from the dim lamp on his desk beside him glinted brightly off of his bald head and illuminated the clutter spread around the shelves. "Please, call me Butler. And there has to be a reason, Ms. Sinclair, or else you wouldn't currently be seated in a therapist's office."

"Well, everyone kept telling me I should go to therapy, so I did."

"Who is 'everyone'?"

Lauren blinked at him, her face devoid of a response. "It's too early in the morning to get philosophical for me."

"What I'm trying to ask is: who exactly told you to see a therapist?"

"Oh!" Lauren lifted a candid hand to her lips, chuckling lightly. "Sorry. Kym and Will."

"Your friends?"

"Yes. They said I've seemed stressed lately."

"Are you?"

"No."

"Go ahead and lie down on the sofa, Lauren."

Leaning back, she reclined until her gaze was level with the ceiling. She furrowed her brow, tracing the tile with her line of sight. "Yes."

"What?"

"Yes, I'm stressed."

He jotted a note in his journal. "Any specifics you're willing to disclose? It's what I'm here for."

An easy smile came to rest on Lauren's face. "I'm afraid a lot of the information I deal with is top secret. It really can't be shared." She covered her face with her hands, trying to quell her persistent headache with her shaking palms. "Sorry for wasting your time. I'm really just appeasing my friends-"

Dr. Butler smiled at her warmly. "I have a strict policy of patient confidentiality. None of the information you divulge here will be shared with anyone."

Lauren heaved a sigh. "I hate to burden you with my issues."

"It is my job, Miss."

She closed her eyes, shutting out the cluttered dimness of the room around her. "Okay." Dr. Butler looked up expectantly at her, hand poised to write. "It all started when I was twelve. My parents were away, and I was with my best friend and his father at the Allendale Train Station. An explosion occurred and my friend died. Did I mention that I can hear lies?" Dr. Butler shook his head, scribbling furiously. "Well, I can. And I could hear that something was going to happen, but I didn't tell anyone, so basically I've blamed myself all these years for his death and everyone else's. While my parents were away, they died in a car crash, but now I'm pretty sure it wasn't an accident. So that was my fault too. I've spent the last ten years obsessing over all of it. Then, a few months ago, I met the Purple Hyacinth in a dark alley, and he offered me a deal so we could take down the leader of the Phantom Scythe. I lied to everyone at the office, and the two of us became Lune. We started taking out criminals together - I mean, I thought we had a pretty good thing going on. He'd scare the crap out of them, I'd listen for their lies and, as a result, scare the crap out of them. He's just scary by nature, I mean, it comes with the title." She trailed off, looking out the window. "Back to it. So one of our arrests, Anslow, had a picture of Sake - who got me kicked off the investigation unit but that's an _entirely_ different story that I can of course tell you later - and an odd four-fingered man in my parent's car at Allendale. I got disturbed, as you do, and Kieran totally flipped - that's the Purple Hyacinth - but I went to go meet Anslow later to ask about the picture. And Kieran and I kind of made up. But then Kieran went and _freaking killed_ all of our convicts right before I was to meet with Anslow! And when I went and confronted him about it, I called him a monster _because he is one_ and then he strangled me and called me a hypocrite! All when I was finally thinking he was a decent human being because he let me stay at his apartment and stitched my wound after I jumped out a window. It wasn't a suicide attempt, though. Just normal Lune stuff. So then on my way to work the next day, I saw Sake out on the street again and confronted him, and he gave me a bunch of confusing-ass answers before his associate assaulted me and left me knocked out in an alley. So I went on to work, and you'll never guess who was there - _Kieran!_ The little asshole! So I followed him and beat him up in the men's room and found out he was tasked with killing Lune - which, not to be suicidal, but I hope he does kill me - so I left him to figure that out. But Kym and Will made me go to the infirmary instead of patrol. Then I talked to Kieran again, but he's just so _annoying_ , he keeps joking about everything and making light of the situation when he almost killed me. And so now, here we are, Kym said I 'didn't seem like myself' and Will deemed me a psycho and so now I'm here!" Lauren bolted upright, breathing heavily. "But I can't tell them anything. Nothing at all! The only person who knows any of this is Kieran, and he's going to kill me!"

Dr. Butler was staring off into space absently, pen frozen in midair. "Doc?" Lauren waved a hand in front of his face. "Butler? Are you okay?"

He shook his head, looking down at his notes in bewilderment. "I didn't exactly get to tell you beforehand, but in addition to my patient confidentiality policy, I am also a mandated reporter."

"Yes?" Lauren said, wringing her hands. Her chest felt so light after telling him everything.

"I must report any concerning or suspicious information to the authorities."

"You can't do that!" Lauren gasped, taking his arm and throttling him back and forth. "I'm going to get arrested, and probably put in an insane asylum. And Kieran - they're gonna arrest Kieran, and even though they did away with the death penalty, I bet they'd make an exception for him. I would too. But strangely, I still don't want him to get caught." Lauren paused thoughtfully, dropping Dr. Butler from her grasp. "The scum almost killed me, and yet a part of me still doesn't want him to die! Maybe I should go to an asylum."

Dr. Butler wordlessly reached for the phone on his desk.

"Please don't-"

_Bang_. The Butler slumped forward in his seat, a feathered tranquilizer dart protruding from his neck.

Lauren whipped her head around to face the window. "What the _hell_ are you doing here, Kieran? Get your own therapist!"

Smirking from his perch on the windowsill, he pocketed the tranque gun. "I'm saving you from your own idiotic thought vomit. When he wakes up, he won't remember anything from the last ten minutes," he said, tipping his hat. "You're welcome."

Lauren growled, reaching over to rip the doctor's note page about her from his tablet. "I hope he reports you."

"No you don't. You just said it." She locked eyes with him in a staredown. "I'm sorry for hurting you. And I'm awfully sorry you had to go through all of that."

Lauren pressed her lips into a thin line. "Thank you for the apology," she replied bitterly, reaching into her coat pocket. "And I'm sorry too."

"What for?"

"For calling you a monster." Lauren gulped, toying with the trigger on her own tranque gun. "And for this."

_Bang_. The dart lodged in his chest.

"But- but officer-" Kieran swayed, falling backwards.

Out the window. 

"Damn it all," Lauren hissed, taking one last fleeting glance at Dr. Butler before leaping out after Kieran.

***

Bright light ebbed into his vision at the edges, the pain accompanying with it piercing straight into his skull. "Ow…" the doctor muttered, sitting upright in his chair. Lauren. Where was that girl? He turned, finding that the room was deserted completely. Grappling with his tablet, it became clear to him that he hadn't even taken notes on her visit. Did she even come?

His fingers flew up to his neck, removing the dart with relative ease. "Darn," he muttered to himself, tossing it in the trash. "She must have found out."

"Dr. Rosenthal?" his secretary called from the hallway. "You have patients waiting."

"Apologies," he said, straightening. "Send them in."

**Author's Note:**

> Well, folks, here you have it. Another random one-shot that is unfortunately n o t the finale of Will is Uncomfortable. I promise, though, WiiU is almost done.
> 
> pleasedonottakethisseriouslythewholeficisadownwardspiral


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